…So, here it goes. Soul Vegetarian may be one of the worst restaurants in Atlanta. And I’m probably going to take a lot of shit for this. But here’s why.
By the way, I swear a lot in here. If that’s not up your alley, I advise you to stop here. Ok, I tried.
I’m not a vegetarian. In case you hadn’t figured that out through my previous posts about corned beef and roast chicken, let it be known. I love meat. There, I said it. And don’t get me wrong. I’m fine with vegetarians. My girlfriend’s a vegetarian (for health reasons, though), and I’ve got to hand it to them, they’re one hard-willed crowd. I think that if I could eat Indian vegetarian all the time, I could do it. But as it is, I can’t. And Indian vegetarian food is hella greasy. So health-wise, it wouldn’t pay off. I’d only be doing it for moral reasons, and like I said, I don’t give a shit about eating meat.
My dad’s got a couple of friends. They’re vegan. Yeah, I know. That’s just fucking insane, right? NO animal products, WHAT SO EVER. No honey. No milk. Insane. They kinda make exceptions when they go out, but we’ve been trying to keep it pretty strictly vegan. So, we hit up Soul Veg. I thought it could be good, these are people who live, breathe, and fuck vegan, they’ve probably got their shit down by now. Sorry, to all you good folks in the Midwest, for saying fuck so much. Onwards! We get to the restaurant, it’s HELLA hot. Maybe their AC is out, I dunno. But it was about 400 something degrees in there, like the devil’s fucking cunt. And their water doesn’t have ice. Vegans eat ice, no? Service was shit, too. I got the same experience at the Sunflower Cafe, which I didn’t love at the time, but looks much nicer now compared to Soul Vegetarian. It took about half an hour for them to acknowledge our party of 9. Maybe that was part of the problem, maybe not. 15 minutes after ordering, we got salads. Complimentary, at least. But only half-decent. The dressing tasted funny, I’m nearly positive their garlic was fucked up. A simple oil-vinegar would’ve been fine AND VEGAN, but no. They had to take it that extra step. Not to mention, the salad wasn’t really anything special. The lettuce wasn’t great, the carrots and tomatoes seemed like an afterthought, and it didn’t seem well prepared. More of a, “let’s give them something to keep them quiet.”
Next came my soup, which wasn’t bad, actually, probably the best thing I got that night. Still, it tasted highly of garlic, and a bit funky, further proving my hypothesis about their garlic. It was split-pea soup, by the way, something I haven’t had in a while. It was fine. Decent, but I’m sure my mother could do way better, and for less, too. My main course was a veggie burger. Not their famed Garvey burger, but a lentil patty. It could’ve actually been really good, except for one thing. They used ketchup. If there’s one thing you can do to loose ALL of my culinary respect, it’s to slather your burger with ketchup. The stuff tastes shit, it’s too damn sweet and doesn’t taste anything like tomatoes, and it says to me, “I’m not confident in my food, so I’m gonna go ahead and cover up whatever taste it may’ve had with some fucking sugar shit, eh?” Rediculous. Giving ketchup on the side is one thing, for those who like it. But putting it right fucking on there, without any prior warning, really? The burger effectively tasted like shit, a flavorless lump of something.
I had to duck out of the restaurant, and wasn’t really in the mood for any of their Ice-Kream for dessert. I had a spoonful of my stepmom’s, and thought it was alright. It was the coldest thing I’d had all night, a relief in the middle of fucking April, but didn’t blow my mind. My mind was far from being blown at that point. I tasted around, during dinner. The aforementioned stepmother ordered some country-fried “steak,” which again was mediocre, but didn’t taste anything like steak. The cornbread was alright, but I could make vegan cornbread easily.
I was left feeling overall unimpressed, disappointed, and frustrated that I’d spent the evening at a simply mediocre restaurant versus, perhaps, eating ramen at home, watching food network, and touching myself. I think that would’ve been a much more productive and enjoyable use of a night than eating at Soul Vegetarian. With all due credit, my brother insists I order “like a meat-eater,” well surprise! I am. Maybe if you’re a vegetarian, or rather, a vegan, deprived of any animal product for years on end, you might enjoy Soul Vegetarian. But if, in fact, you’re only a vegetarian, with the moral capacity to consume dairy and other various animal products, stay the fuck away. I could see them becoming a successful business, operating as a vegan ice Kream parlor, but anything short of that is a waste of time, money, and real estate in my opinion.
Conclusion: don’t go there, unless you really need to impress some vegans. And even if so, be cautious, if their taste buds are still intact.
One Comment
This is very halarious, jake. You should consider doing like a David Sedaris thing and doing a book. I would read that shit (well…if you weren’t my friend I would read it cuz since you are I feel I should make you feel as unfamous as possible to keep you nice and grounded)